To Everything There is a Season

Do you know what hospice care is?  I didn't until a little over a month ago.  I figured it was hospital care at home or something relating to care for the elderly.  But that's not exactly it.

Hospice is care that aims to help make a patient comfortable during their last days, basically.  It's the care of someone who is no longer undergoing treatment, and isn't likely to get better.  It can be in the home or at a facility.  It seems like it's mostly comprised of making sure they have the equipment to make their care easier, the help of a nurse and maybe an aid a few times a week to ensure they are getting the right pain meds, getting bathed, getting nutrition, and basically being cared for and staying as comfortable as possible.

I explain this because my mom is now in hospice.  She is no longer receiving the chemo treatments because they were starting to do harm.  There's not much else they can do.  The chemo gave her terrible mouth sores and I believe was starting to damage her brain, so despite how much it was helping in the fight against the cancer cells, they can't give it to her anymore.  It's strange, though, because she had very low counts of cancer cells in her spine last they checked, so I feel like maybe the cancer has been beat, but probably not?  I still don't totally understand I guess.

Wow, does anyone else feel like it got depressing here?  Is there a grieving genre of blogs?  Because I sorta feel like that's what this has become.

I am conflicted about this change to hospice.  On one hand, it feels a little like giving up.  There's NOTHING else they can do?  There are no other treatments?  But on the other hand, I am so so glad my dad will have more help.  Strangely, until she officially entered hospice, the insurance wouldn't cover any assistance in the home, but now that it's official, they pay for everything, hospital bed, nurse visits, even the chaplain!  Plus I feel like she'll be more comfortable in general.  It was getting very difficult for her to get up to even use the bathroom, let alone shower, so getting some equipment and physical help will be good.  And having someone else there so my dad's not at the brunt of her impatience all the time will be better for everyone.

I'm not really sure what is next.  Who knows if she'll be around days, weeks, months?  It has felt like so much uncertainty the last few months, and it doesn't look like it'll end anytime soon.  It's really hard to see my mom, a strong, independent, brilliant woman, fade away into a shell of herself.  I get glimpses of her, but most of the time when I'm with her, she hardly seems like the same person.  I've been grieving for her in some way since the doctor told her to get her affairs in order, though.

I've always been a fan of the verses Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 (which is the same as the song "Turn! Turn! Turn!" by The Byrds basically), but right now it feels very applicable.  

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, a time to reap that which is planted;A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

It's rough.

You know how things are so bad sometimes you can't imagine they could get worse?  And then they inevitably do get worse?

My mom is hanging in there.  My baby brother is home, which is nice, but sadly it didn't fix everything like I kind of thought it would.  But my mom was in lots of pain, and spent most of her time in bed, but now she doesn't really move, has awful mouth sores as a result of the treatment, and isn't eating or drinking hardly anything.  It's hard to tell if her pain is still there, at least the previous back pain, because now her mouth hurts so much.  But at the same time, the last sample they took from her spine showed verrrrry low counts of cancer cells, so...?  It's like on one hand it's hard not to be hopeful at least a little, but on the other, it's so so scary to have any hope because what if it doesn't work out alright?

My dad is having a tough time.  He's not the most, uh... patient person.  Just in general.  And right now, my mom has zero patience her self.  So she snaps at him easily, and he gets offended and snaps back, and it's so unproductive.  It's painful to hear.  He literally slammed the door to her room the other day.  But he is taking care of her, making sure she's comfortable, trying to get her to eat ANYTHING, and coordinating all her appointments, medicine, and contacting the doctor.  My brother is kind of there more for my dad I think, just to kind of help him stay a little sane, get out of the house once in awhile.

And then there's me.  I spent a week at their house before my brother got home, but still went to work during the week, so it wasn't like I was there full time.  I get to escape, and then feel guilty for not being there.  But I am still trying to go up nearly every day after work.  Two weeks ago, though, I had awful allergies, and I think I sneezed so hard/much I strained my neck!  Then a few days later, it started to feel better, and then I twisted my head funny, and like, pulled a shoulder muscle!  It's still painful, and it's making me very nervous, but I am scared to go to the doctor because I'll a) cry, and b) not be able to explain it very well (though I know I should, if not because then I'll at least know what to do to help heal).  So I'm in pain most of the time physically and emotionally.  Great stuff.

This truly is the hardest time of my life.  I am incredibly lucky to have an amazing, understanding husband who is 100% there for me and my family.  I feel like we're all in limbo, waiting to see what happens, doing our best to keep her going, and trying to be there for each other.

And today is Friday the 13th, with a full moon tonight!  Spooky, but I think it means things are going to change, one way or another.

Gosh, I'm such a Debbie Downer!  In my mom's presence, I'm totally positive, upbeat, kind, patient, and understanding, though.  I think.  I try really hard to make sure she knows how much she's loved.  I think my nature is to laugh and smile, so feeling guilty for any happiness I may feel is super hard for me.