It's rough.

You know how things are so bad sometimes you can't imagine they could get worse?  And then they inevitably do get worse?

My mom is hanging in there.  My baby brother is home, which is nice, but sadly it didn't fix everything like I kind of thought it would.  But my mom was in lots of pain, and spent most of her time in bed, but now she doesn't really move, has awful mouth sores as a result of the treatment, and isn't eating or drinking hardly anything.  It's hard to tell if her pain is still there, at least the previous back pain, because now her mouth hurts so much.  But at the same time, the last sample they took from her spine showed verrrrry low counts of cancer cells, so...?  It's like on one hand it's hard not to be hopeful at least a little, but on the other, it's so so scary to have any hope because what if it doesn't work out alright?

My dad is having a tough time.  He's not the most, uh... patient person.  Just in general.  And right now, my mom has zero patience her self.  So she snaps at him easily, and he gets offended and snaps back, and it's so unproductive.  It's painful to hear.  He literally slammed the door to her room the other day.  But he is taking care of her, making sure she's comfortable, trying to get her to eat ANYTHING, and coordinating all her appointments, medicine, and contacting the doctor.  My brother is kind of there more for my dad I think, just to kind of help him stay a little sane, get out of the house once in awhile.

And then there's me.  I spent a week at their house before my brother got home, but still went to work during the week, so it wasn't like I was there full time.  I get to escape, and then feel guilty for not being there.  But I am still trying to go up nearly every day after work.  Two weeks ago, though, I had awful allergies, and I think I sneezed so hard/much I strained my neck!  Then a few days later, it started to feel better, and then I twisted my head funny, and like, pulled a shoulder muscle!  It's still painful, and it's making me very nervous, but I am scared to go to the doctor because I'll a) cry, and b) not be able to explain it very well (though I know I should, if not because then I'll at least know what to do to help heal).  So I'm in pain most of the time physically and emotionally.  Great stuff.

This truly is the hardest time of my life.  I am incredibly lucky to have an amazing, understanding husband who is 100% there for me and my family.  I feel like we're all in limbo, waiting to see what happens, doing our best to keep her going, and trying to be there for each other.

And today is Friday the 13th, with a full moon tonight!  Spooky, but I think it means things are going to change, one way or another.

Gosh, I'm such a Debbie Downer!  In my mom's presence, I'm totally positive, upbeat, kind, patient, and understanding, though.  I think.  I try really hard to make sure she knows how much she's loved.  I think my nature is to laugh and smile, so feeling guilty for any happiness I may feel is super hard for me.