This is just the weirdest time in my life. It keeps hitting me that my mom is gone, she's dead, she won't be coming back, I won't be able to talk to her, to hear her advice or stories, to get a hug, or anything. But then I forget or something, and continue one living. Then it hits again. I feel like I'm not sad enough, not remembering her enough, not grieving enough, because I am able to continue on with life.
I've now seen a dead body, written an obituary, created a memorial service program, attended a memorial service, and lost a close family member. It's amazing how life has changed, but also not changed much.
The holidays are really going to be tough. And her birthday. I don't want to plan anything with anyone else on that day, but am not sure what I do want to do to mark it. Lots of people are planning stuff for that day because it is a weekend day, but I just can't agree to any of it.
At the memorial service, someone said "You weren't supposed to be without her yet" and that is 100% how I feel. I'm still not ready to continue living without her. My neighbors are both grandmas now, and I see their granddaughters running around and think about how my mom never got that, how my kids will never know their grandma.
But I don't think I'm really dwelling all that much. I laugh, I have fun, I waste time, I work, I do everything I used to do except talk to and spend time with my mom. I'm still hoping she haunts me somehow!
I am going to go through her closet and take some of her clothes and stuff. I already took her nail polish, and have her favorite shade on my toes. My dad seems to want to get rid of her stuff really soon, and it hasn't even been a month. He found a bunch of gift cards she was holding on to, and it just feels weird to take them, even though I know she would probably want me to use them and she can't anymore, so... I'm kind of hesitating actually going up and going through her stuff, because it will feel even more real then.
Also, I have the absolute BEST friends and family and support in the whole world. Everyone is so eager to help out in any way, I've gotten a beautiful rose bush, a blueberry bush, flowers from 3 people, and a really nice statue, all in my mom's memory. And it sounds like some friends are going to be the most amazing people and help us get our yard back in order, since I haven't had much time to dedicate to that this year. I really need to write some thank you notes, people have been so kind and I hope they know how much I appreciate them.
Anyway, in the life continuing portion of my life, our dog has been having some health issues. Bloody stool, vomited once, lethargy... I took her to the vet yesterday morning, and she got some shots and pills, and seems to be feeling better, but still isn't back to healthy. Poor thing. Stuff keeps happening, and I can't hide from the world, I guess.
And we're closing in on our first anniversary, which is crazy and wonderful, and we have a little weekend getaway planned. I feel a little bad, because my future sister-in-law's bridal showers are planned for our anniversary day and my mom's birthday, and I don't feel like I can make either, and her bachelorette is scheduled for the same weekend as my 10 year high school reunion. So I think I have to miss all of her events! But I'll send along gifts, since I already have some for her. The rest of the summer is already looking pretty busy, and I think we have like 1 afternoon available for the gardening effort, but that might be a good thing. Get back into living and being busy, just keep her in mind still.
Anyway, I'm rambling. It's nice to get these feelings out, I'm happy to have something to look back on. This is a crazy, important, emotional time, and I know it'll dull with time.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Well.
She's gone. She died the morning of June 23rd. I still can't believe she isn't here anymore. I won't get another hug, hear her tell me she loves me, talk to her about stupid things and important things, watch her pad around the house, enjoy a glass of wine on the deck with her, or any of the millions of other things I took for granted for so long.
It's been hard. But I'm glad she's not suffering anymore. The last few days were really tough, she was basically starving to death, and then her lungs started filling with fluid. Hearing the gargling breathing was awful. My brother stayed up all night with her on her last night, and that had to have been the worst. It was bad enough before, when she could still talk and eat and everything, but by that time she was not really responsive, and struggling for every breath. So when she finally died and let herself go, it was a bit of relief, but still so so hard.
I miss her immensely. I decided to try to write down all of my memories of her, which is insane, but I'm up to 8 pages, single spaced, size 11 font now. And there are so many more I keep thinking of. And I am planning to get a tattoo, one with her handwriting and maybe a treble clef or rose.
It's crazy to think that the world is still revolving, stuff is still happening, and I'm still alive. I feel like I can't stop thinking about her or crying that she's gone or else it'll be too real and like I've moved on. It's only been a week and a couple days! I really wish I had talked to her more about this, about what she wanted afterwards, but we were all still so hopeful for a miracle. We didn't even find out if she wanted her ashes scattered or in an urn with us, and we didn't make sure we knew which songs she wanted for the memorial service, and I'm so mad! Why didn't I take more advantage of the little time I had with her?
I also think a part of me kind of knew this was coming, and I started working through grief way back when her brain tumor was discovered. I feel like I'm jumping around the stages of grief, feeling them all at once, and all out of order. I'll be just thinking about something and suddenly it hits me that she's gone, and I can tell my face just gets this concerned look. I think I have been crying a lot less than the first few days, but it still creeps up on me and catches me by surprise.
She was an incredible person. I've never met anyone who didn't like her. She was respected and trusted and genuinely appreciated, even when she was a little out there and crazy! She was influential and admired in her field, and passionate about music and church. She knew how to have fun, and loved her kids fiercely. I think she enjoyed life, enjoyed living, and it is such a shame that she can't be here anymore to continue that. But she truly leaves an amazing legacy, and I will be talking about her for the rest of my life. I just wish I could talk to her again.
So that's what's happened. Her life was much too short, but at least it was a pretty great one. We're kind of just banding together to get through this tough time, and just spending time together is nice. I am really lucky to have had her as my mother, and as my role model.
It's been hard. But I'm glad she's not suffering anymore. The last few days were really tough, she was basically starving to death, and then her lungs started filling with fluid. Hearing the gargling breathing was awful. My brother stayed up all night with her on her last night, and that had to have been the worst. It was bad enough before, when she could still talk and eat and everything, but by that time she was not really responsive, and struggling for every breath. So when she finally died and let herself go, it was a bit of relief, but still so so hard.
I miss her immensely. I decided to try to write down all of my memories of her, which is insane, but I'm up to 8 pages, single spaced, size 11 font now. And there are so many more I keep thinking of. And I am planning to get a tattoo, one with her handwriting and maybe a treble clef or rose.
It's crazy to think that the world is still revolving, stuff is still happening, and I'm still alive. I feel like I can't stop thinking about her or crying that she's gone or else it'll be too real and like I've moved on. It's only been a week and a couple days! I really wish I had talked to her more about this, about what she wanted afterwards, but we were all still so hopeful for a miracle. We didn't even find out if she wanted her ashes scattered or in an urn with us, and we didn't make sure we knew which songs she wanted for the memorial service, and I'm so mad! Why didn't I take more advantage of the little time I had with her?
I also think a part of me kind of knew this was coming, and I started working through grief way back when her brain tumor was discovered. I feel like I'm jumping around the stages of grief, feeling them all at once, and all out of order. I'll be just thinking about something and suddenly it hits me that she's gone, and I can tell my face just gets this concerned look. I think I have been crying a lot less than the first few days, but it still creeps up on me and catches me by surprise.
She was an incredible person. I've never met anyone who didn't like her. She was respected and trusted and genuinely appreciated, even when she was a little out there and crazy! She was influential and admired in her field, and passionate about music and church. She knew how to have fun, and loved her kids fiercely. I think she enjoyed life, enjoyed living, and it is such a shame that she can't be here anymore to continue that. But she truly leaves an amazing legacy, and I will be talking about her for the rest of my life. I just wish I could talk to her again.
So that's what's happened. Her life was much too short, but at least it was a pretty great one. We're kind of just banding together to get through this tough time, and just spending time together is nice. I am really lucky to have had her as my mother, and as my role model.
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