Well.

She's gone.  She died the morning of June 23rd.  I still can't believe she isn't here anymore.  I won't get another hug, hear her tell me she loves me, talk to her about stupid things and important things, watch her pad around the house, enjoy a glass of wine on the deck with her, or any of the millions of other things I took for granted for so long.

It's been hard.  But I'm glad she's not suffering anymore.  The last few days were really tough, she was basically starving to death, and then her lungs started filling with fluid.  Hearing the gargling breathing was awful.  My brother stayed up all night with her on her last night, and that had to have been the worst.  It was bad enough before, when she could still talk and eat and everything, but by that time she was not really responsive, and struggling for every breath.  So when she finally died and let herself go, it was a bit of relief, but still so so hard.

I miss her immensely.  I decided to try to write down all of my memories of her, which is insane, but I'm up to 8 pages, single spaced, size 11 font now.  And there are so many more I keep thinking of.  And I am planning to get a tattoo, one with her handwriting and maybe a treble clef or rose.

It's crazy to think that the world is still revolving, stuff is still happening, and I'm still alive.  I feel like I can't stop thinking about her or crying that she's gone or else it'll be too real and like I've moved on.  It's only been a week and a couple days!  I really wish I had talked to her more about this, about what she wanted afterwards, but we were all still so hopeful for a miracle.  We didn't even find out if she wanted her ashes scattered or in an urn with us, and we didn't make sure we knew which songs she wanted for the memorial service, and I'm so mad!  Why didn't I take more advantage of the little time I had with her?

I also think a part of me kind of knew this was coming, and I started working through grief way back when her brain tumor was discovered.  I feel like I'm jumping around the stages of grief, feeling them all at once, and all out of order.  I'll be just thinking about something and suddenly it hits me that she's gone, and I can tell my face just gets this concerned look.  I think I have been crying a lot less than the first few days, but it still creeps up on me and catches me by surprise.

She was an incredible person.  I've never met anyone who didn't like her.  She was respected and trusted and genuinely appreciated, even when she was a little out there and crazy!  She was influential and admired in her field, and passionate about music and church.  She knew how to have fun, and loved her kids fiercely.  I think she enjoyed life, enjoyed living, and it is such a shame that she can't be here anymore to continue that.  But she truly leaves an amazing legacy, and I will be talking about her for the rest of my life.  I just wish I could talk to her again.

So that's what's happened.  Her life was much too short, but at least it was a pretty great one.  We're kind of just banding together to get through this tough time, and just spending time together is nice.  I am really lucky to have had her as my mother, and as my role model.