This is just the weirdest time in my life. It keeps hitting me that my mom is gone, she's dead, she won't be coming back, I won't be able to talk to her, to hear her advice or stories, to get a hug, or anything. But then I forget or something, and continue one living. Then it hits again. I feel like I'm not sad enough, not remembering her enough, not grieving enough, because I am able to continue on with life.
I've now seen a dead body, written an obituary, created a memorial service program, attended a memorial service, and lost a close family member. It's amazing how life has changed, but also not changed much.
The holidays are really going to be tough. And her birthday. I don't want to plan anything with anyone else on that day, but am not sure what I do want to do to mark it. Lots of people are planning stuff for that day because it is a weekend day, but I just can't agree to any of it.
At the memorial service, someone said "You weren't supposed to be without her yet" and that is 100% how I feel. I'm still not ready to continue living without her. My neighbors are both grandmas now, and I see their granddaughters running around and think about how my mom never got that, how my kids will never know their grandma.
But I don't think I'm really dwelling all that much. I laugh, I have fun, I waste time, I work, I do everything I used to do except talk to and spend time with my mom. I'm still hoping she haunts me somehow!
I am going to go through her closet and take some of her clothes and stuff. I already took her nail polish, and have her favorite shade on my toes. My dad seems to want to get rid of her stuff really soon, and it hasn't even been a month. He found a bunch of gift cards she was holding on to, and it just feels weird to take them, even though I know she would probably want me to use them and she can't anymore, so... I'm kind of hesitating actually going up and going through her stuff, because it will feel even more real then.
Also, I have the absolute BEST friends and family and support in the whole world. Everyone is so eager to help out in any way, I've gotten a beautiful rose bush, a blueberry bush, flowers from 3 people, and a really nice statue, all in my mom's memory. And it sounds like some friends are going to be the most amazing people and help us get our yard back in order, since I haven't had much time to dedicate to that this year. I really need to write some thank you notes, people have been so kind and I hope they know how much I appreciate them.
Anyway, in the life continuing portion of my life, our dog has been having some health issues. Bloody stool, vomited once, lethargy... I took her to the vet yesterday morning, and she got some shots and pills, and seems to be feeling better, but still isn't back to healthy. Poor thing. Stuff keeps happening, and I can't hide from the world, I guess.
And we're closing in on our first anniversary, which is crazy and wonderful, and we have a little weekend getaway planned. I feel a little bad, because my future sister-in-law's bridal showers are planned for our anniversary day and my mom's birthday, and I don't feel like I can make either, and her bachelorette is scheduled for the same weekend as my 10 year high school reunion. So I think I have to miss all of her events! But I'll send along gifts, since I already have some for her. The rest of the summer is already looking pretty busy, and I think we have like 1 afternoon available for the gardening effort, but that might be a good thing. Get back into living and being busy, just keep her in mind still.
Anyway, I'm rambling. It's nice to get these feelings out, I'm happy to have something to look back on. This is a crazy, important, emotional time, and I know it'll dull with time.
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