So on Wednesday, not long after I pressed the "Publish" button on a frivolous nail post... I got a call that made my heart stop and race at the same time. It was the worst phone call I think I've ever gotten. 8 little words that felt like they changed my life.
"Your mom has a tumor in her brain."
My mom WHAT? My amazing mom who just beat breast cancer a year ago? What the hell? I was shaking, and speechless, and half crying... It was awful. My boss let me go home so I could go see her, and I went home to try to eat some lunch, because before that phone call I was starving. But I felt like I was going to puke while driving home, and made myself a piece of toast, and could barely choke down 3/4 of it over the course of an hour. I texted Dino, who didn't see it for while, but as soon as he did, he offered to come home, which I needed so much. I talked to my best friend, who also was awesome at listening and just being there for me. All the while, feeling like my world was crashing down.
Dino got home, and we went to the hospital. My mom, wow. Let me tell you. She is so astounding. She's sitting in bed, giving the nurses a hard time, sassing her brain surgeon, and just basically acting like herself, mostly. She was trying to get the doctor to okay her going to Hawaii on Sunday as planned, but I'm not letting that happen! She'll hopefully be discharged on Sunday! Not flying across bodies of water! Her surgery was scheduled for the next day, so she was allowed to eat until midnight, so I ordered her some food. I was kind of psyched that I could predict what she wanted, almost completely! It's the small things. We stayed for probably 6 hours that afternoon/night. I felt so bad leaving, but was starving and exhausted. So many emotions.
When we got home, the guilt started setting in. How did I not notice all the warning signs? She had been walking slower, hunched over more, and pretty unsteady. I had talked to her on the phone, and her attention span was affected, but I figured she was just multitasking, like she does. On Sunday when we had a birthday celebration for me, she ran into a wall while walking through a doorway, and I just thought she'd been drinking a lot of wine (like I had!). Her smile had been lopsided for over a month, but maybe that was just a weird new habit. But most, if not all, of these were signs of the large tumor growing in her brain, pressing on the brain and causing swelling. She had been on some meds that were making her not care about things as much, kind of muting the world, so she either didn't notice or care something was wrong. I feel like we let her down, and am so grateful her coworker called my dad when she started sending emails that made no sense on Tuesday this week.
Yesterday morning I braved the rush hour traffic and went down there again. I couldn't not see her as much as possible before her brain surgery. BRAIN SURGERY. How freaky is that. She thought she had a contact in one eye, and was trying to take it out and it got really irritated. The nurses were trying too, but most people couldn't see anything in there. I think she was fixating on that a little because it was easier than thinking about the big thing that was about to happen. The doctor kind of talked her down, and told her he'd take a look once they were in the operating room to make sure nothing was there - turns out nothing was in her eye. I almost wanted there to be something, so she would feel justified. She was whisked away to the OR, we all said goodbye and we loved her, and she was gone. I couldn't stop the tears then, but worrying wasn't helping, of course. My dad, aunt and uncle and I went to get some lunch, then I couldn't stand the idea of sitting around waiting for her, so I went home to run a quick errand (fix my ring! Oh so important...... not.), and then laid on the couch, watching tv, waiting to hear when it was over.
She went to the OR at just about 1 pm, and we were told it should take 3-5 hours, probably closer to 4 or 5 because of the size of the tumor. I was shocked, though, when at just after 4 pm, my dad called to say she was out. The tumor had just risen out of the brain, practically, when the opened her skull! It just like, popped right up, so the surgeon could easily access it to get it out. They did follow it down to make sure they got it all, but all in all, it was a little simpler than it could have been. The bad news was it looks like it is the same cancer tissue that was in her breast. The dreaded C word. I haven't heard 100% for sure, but that was the gist that I got.
I decided to wait until Dino got home, and we ate some dinner, just to give her some time to rest and heal, without being inundated with people. My dad said we could relieve him, so we got there at about 7:30 pm. My brother, who is in South Korea, had just gotten up and I was messaging him as we left our house, and he was Skyping with my parents. He called again after we got there, so I got to see him and talk to him! It was great, the whole family was kind of together. My mom was still giving the nurses a hard time, she was calling one "Brunhilde" because she was a tough cookie, making her do all kinds of tests and hooking her up to various lines. I was grateful for that nurse, though, she'll keep her in line and not bend over and let her do whatever she wants! It wasn't thrilling, my mom was emailing people, and we were just sitting there, keeping her company and helping out however she needed, but I was so glad to be sitting next to her. She looked pretty great! They didn't even shave much of her head, I figured they would take a lot more off! We finally left at about 10, a little hesitantly, but we were both so exhausted, physically and emotionally.
Today I'm back at work. My coworkers were super sweet, got me flowers for my desk, and just generally being gentle with me. I'm so appreciative that I was able to take some time off to be with her, I would have probably quit if they weren't so understanding!
So many people have been praying for her and sending good vibes, and I am grateful for that as well. She is a truly amazing person, and everyone who knows her thinks she's wonderful, I think. I'm proud of my support system, proud that I have so many people I can rely on, and just so glad for all of the love. But my #1 best decision was marrying Dino, as he is the strongest and most caring person, taking care of me and my mom, and just being there. When he left work right away after hearing the news, I was so appreciative, I don't know if I could have dealt otherwise. And he loves my mom, too, so he was genuinely worried and caring.
It's been a long couple of days, long and difficult, but I'm glad she has great doctors and nurses, and so many people thinking of her.
Wow. I never really thought I would ever hear that anyone I loved had cancer, let alone a brain tumor, but here we are. The world throws some crazy curveballs. Every time I start thinking everything is great and going so well, something seems to throw a wrench in the gears. My mom means the world to me, and I hate thinking about all she's going through. Alters your world view a little.
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