It's really weird realizing your parents won't actually live forever. It's weird seeing them vulnerable and sad and scared and in pain. It's weird to know things are going to change completely sometime soon, but not knowing when that will be or how you'll react. It's weird to grieve the life you've known when while it is still somewhat the same.
Mostly it's weird to think of the future and what will be missing. Christmases. Birthdays. Mother's Day. All holidays. Babies. Big life changes. Small moments when you just need your momma.
She's still holding on, but in a lot of pain and on a lot of drugs. She's scared, as am I and my dad. It doesn't look good, but they're continuing treatment in hope of a miracle. It still doesn't feel like real life.
My mom is so amazing, such a great person, and really taught me so much about life. She's touched so many people's lives, and made the world a better place just by being her. The world will feel different if she's not in it.
I don't know what to do. I'm trying to spend as much time with her as I can, but also take care of myself and my dad during this. I was at the hospital for about 11 hours yesterday. My dad is there now, and I'm going down this afternoon. I feel so much guilt and sadness and fear and everything. My brother is in South Korea, lost his passport, and may not be able to make it back soon enough. I can't imagine what he's feeling, being so far away. Seeing her always helps me, so the fact that he hasn't even skyped with her (due to her refusal to) must be really hard for him.
I know other people have lost parents, I'm not totally alone, but it sometimes feels a little like it. And when someone says to let them know if there is anything they can do to help, I have no idea what might help. Cancer cure? Miracle?
Cancer is the worst. We thought she beat it. Thought she made it through the toughest time. But it was still there, lurking. Waiting to make another appearance. Waiting to turn my wonderful, self-sufficient, independent and stong momma into a bald patient, stuck in a tiny room, reliant on pain meds to make it through the day.
Everyone, please hug your mom as tight as you can this Mother's Day (and every day). Tell her how special she is, how much she means to you, and how thankful you are for her. It's never too early or often to tell her you love her. You never know how many more opportunities you might get.
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