Walk walk walk!

My father-in-law is incredible.  Since I met him, he's lost a ton of weight, and started eating better and walking all the time.  He generally walks 15,000 steps a day, which is awesome.

One of my resolutions was to try to get moving more, and get 10,000 steps at least once or twice a week...  Well, I am so proud of myself, because I am killing it.  Last week I got at least 10,000 steps every. single. day.  Fantastic, right?  My last 7 days are nearly 80,000 steps.

I feel like I'm bragging a little here, but I want to share a couple secrets I've stumbled into on this walking journey.

My FitBit has been so happy with me lately!  Personal Photo

1) Competition is EVERYTHING.  A few of my friends and I have fitbits, so we joined up, and do their competitions.  We've done a couple "Work week hustle"s and last weekend did the "Weekend warrior" competition.  It's crazy addictive for me to watch to see where I fall, and to try to get just a couple hundred more steps to get into the lead.  My husband thinks I'm crazy, as I'm pacing around the house at 10 pm, but the competition really drives me.  A larger group of friends is doing a month-long challenge in February, which will hopefully push me to keep up the walking.

2) Go the long way.  I usually take the shortcuts, or try to get things done quickly, so when I would walk, I was missing out on a lot of steps.  But now I'm focused not only on getting somewhere, or doing something, but walking.  So I walk around the store the long way, or I park far away if I drive, or just take a walk around the block instead of going the short way.  I feel a little silly sometimes, but I'm not all that concerned.

3) Costco.  On last Monday, I only had about 6,000 steps after work, and in the competition I was losing.  So I went to Costco!  I couldn't walk there, since I actually needed to buy stuff, but walking around the store to gather stuff I managed to get about 3,000 steps.  That's crazy, right?!  Walking around the store you don't really think about how much you're walking, and Costco is so huge!

4) Make excuses to go on walks.  I've been making excuses to walk to different stores nearby, or the bank, or other stuff.  It helps me to have a place I'm going, and not just walk around aimlessly (even though I will take the long way).  I would be taking my dog out for more walks, but her leg and back have been hurting her, so I don't have that excuse to get outside more.  But once I'm up and out the door with a destination in mind, it's easier to keep going and get more steps in.

This crazy dog would be going for a lot more walks right now, but she's injured.  Poor baby.  Personal Photo

5) Make it a routine, and let people know.  By having the competitions, it's let some of my friends know that I am trying to walk more.  But beyond that, I've told my coworkers that I'm doing the competitions also, and they've been pretty supportive (although they do tease a little...).  So my boss is well aware that I'm probably going to go out for a long walk at lunch time, and he's even been okay with me going for a 25 minute walk in the morning once in awhile (getting coffee is the goal, but of course I take the long way).  Not only has it helped me establish a routine and figure out how to fit more walking into my day, but it's nice to get out, get some fresh air, and take a break from work!  It has been nice that the weather has been pretty amazing and beautiful, so we'll see if I can still force myself outside when it gets rainier, but it's good to know that it is pretty easy to get a few thousand steps in at lunch.

Overall, I've been keeping up with that resolution, and I'm so proud!  Aside from just walking more, it's also encouraging me to eat a little healthier, especially at lunch (the easiest places to walk to get lunch are the grocery stores nearby, so I can get a salad or sandwich or fruit easily!), and I think I have lost a pound or two.  I've also been working out a bit more (but I don't get as many steps from doing the workout video so I'm tempted to just go on a long walk in the dark instead!).  And another awesome benefit is that my husband goes on walks with me, either late after work or on the weekends, so we spend some good quality time together.  We're going to Maui soon, so it's important we keep it up there and keep going on walks (but on or to the beach!).

This weekend I got over 20,000 steps one day, and feel like I might be able to give my father-in-law a run for his money!

A new year, the same me

I've never really been good at making resolutions and putting them in place right at the start of the year.  It's more like a "oh, hey, I was supposed to try to do something to better myself" on like the 5th or 6th of January.  And like most people, any resolutions I make are long forgotten by the end of January.

But here we are the on the second day of the year.  And I've kind of thought about it.  There are some things that have been floating around in my head that won't take much serious thought.  So here are some sorta-kinda-resolutions I'm making:

1. Hit at least 10,000 steps in a day at least once or twice a week.  Currently I consider it a good day to hit 5,000 steps, which is not great.  Yesterday we went on a walk and it was lovely and nice and I managed to get 11,000 in the day.  Working in an office, sitting at a desk most of the day, it's not exactly possible for me to work while walking around typically, so I am trying to be realistic here.  Our walk took a couple hours, I think, and it sadly isn't a high priority to spend that time walking some days.  So to take more steps just once or twice a week is more achievable, and I think I can commit to it (plus once the Sounders games start again, I will easily hit that by walking to and from the game and around the stadium!).  And then maybe when I get in the habit, it'll get easier to get that many steps more often.
2. Get a freaking new job / quit my awful job.  I need need NEED to get out of this job.  I know I sound so whiny, but I just can't take it anymore.  I don't want to go in to much detail, but lets just say certain responsibilities fall to me and they really shouldn't, and it's really hard.  We were talking about how next year we wanted to make sure we took certain days around the holidays off, and how Dino was going to maybe just ask for them off now, and I was like "me too!...  except I hope I'm not at the same job..."  So definitely want to actually get a new job this year.
3. Reply to texts in a timely manner.  I have the worst habit of reading a text, thinking "oh, I'll reply later" (especially when it is not a good response or I'm feeling lazy), and then never responding.  So I want to respond faster, even if it is just a "I'm not sure right now" or "Let me get back to you."
4. Just better communication in general.  I'm terrible at remembering to call my dad regularly, and not very good at being completely open and communicative with my husband.  Not that I keep things from anyone, but I just rarely feel like I have much exciting to say, or don't want to get too crazy obsessive by talking about certain things too much, so I just don't talk instead.  I think I have gotten so much better at communicating than I used to be, but that doesn't mean I'm anywhere close to good at it.  And some topics are just a bit awkward, a little harder to bring up naturally and comfortably, so I want to do better at saying things when I'm thinking them, not waiting for "the right time" all the time.
5. Get our electrical done once and for all!  Now that we basically have the money, we need to get a couple quotes and just do it.  

And here are some resolutions I am not making:

1. Not typing as long of paragraphs as explanations.  I am not succinct, but that's okay.  
2. Any kind of cleanse.  I like food, I don't like feeling ill or starved, and I don't think my eating habits are crazy out of whack.  Sure, they could be more healthy, but I'm not going to kill myself to stick to any kind of specific diet.  I'd rather enjoy my food and my life, thank you very much.
3. Giving up alcohol.  I probably don't need to drink as much as I tend to (every night isn't excessive, right?) but I'm not going to cut it out of my diet right now.  See "enjoying my life," above.
4. Losing weight in some abstract sense.  I know I want to lose some weight.  I know that would be healthy.  But I am hesitant to assign some random number of pounds to lose, without more specific guidelines.  That is why I would like to focus on moving more, specifically getting more steps in, than just "lose weight" or "exercise."  And "eat more healthily" also is too broad.  Maybe I could try to eat at least 2 vegetables at lunch and dinner, or something to that effect.  
5. Write more.  I would love to write more, but currently it is sadly not a priority.  This place is so neglected, but I have nothing interesting to add (whoa, see better communication, above...) and so it's become a place for me to just type out loud (much like my livejournal was back in the day!).  It would be great to have more to say, but man, I'm really not focusing on that right now.

Anyway.

I hope your New Years Eve was fun and happy and safe!  2015 is bound to be better than 2014 for me, because as I've been telling my husband, my mom can't die twice!  (Said as a joke, but with tears in my eyes, so take that as you will...)

JUSTICE!

I know this time of year is supposed to be all lists, nostalgia, and hopeful looking ahead...  but I'm pausing that to discuss a very important matter.  Justice.  And parking tickets.

The sign right by my car.  All Personal Photos

 About a month and a half ago, I received a parking ticket.  Me!  I've parking in that location many a time, and it was a Sunday, so the risk was even smaller of getting a ticket!  The sign (above) says "Angle Parking Only," but the lines and curb indicate otherwise.  I parked within the lines, perpendicular to the street and sidewalk, and figured it would be okay.

You're about to see the evidence that I did nothing wrong, and how cute my car is.

See how my car is parallel to the line, and perpendicular to the sidewalk?

And here it is, parallel to the curb with the sign to the right.  It appears to be parked legally, correct?

So imagine my surprise when I walked up to my car and saw a TICKET on my windshield!  I can't believe they expect you to park at an angle in this parking spot, would you park over the lines?  Would you be on the curb?  It makes no sense!  Either the sign is lying or the painted lines and cement curb is.

In addition, on the ticket there was a comment about back-in only.  I'll give you a minute to scroll back up to read the sign again.  Where in the heck was I supposed to divine that part?  I'm pretty sure you're expected to be a mind reader, or be an incredibly talented read-between-the-lines-er.

Furthermore, I'm pretty sure 90° is still an angle, right?  Perhaps the sign should specify, since the lines are so unreliable.  "45° Angle Parking" or "60° Angle Parking."  And which direction should my angle be?  Should I angle it like I'm pulling in from the right or the left?  Especially with that weird back-in part (that is not specified on the sign) thrown in, which would change the direction at which you would assume to park.  I can imagine people parking at all different directions and angles, some backed in, some not.  My confusion is legit, right?  I'm not crazy?

This is how I imagine the parking working out if everyone tried to follow the angle in parking sign with their own interpretation.  The blue car had to drive over the curb to fit at an angle!  Beautiful paint picture, yeah?

So anyway, I was all annoyed, and we took those photos as proof that it was confusing and hard to understand what was supposed to happen there, and I mailed my ticket back in not with the $47 (yes, only $47) but by saying that I was contesting the charge.  So they mailed me back a letter saying my pre-hearing date was today, or I could mail in a written statement with any evidence.  I didn't particularly want to miss any work and drive all the way downtown just for a stupid $47 ticket (not that I wasn't willing to, because JUSTICE), so I mailed in a written statement and some photos.

Today is the date of the pre-hearing, and I hadn't heard anything about my written statement, so I dressed nicely just in case, and called this morning.  They reviewed it yesterday, and I don't have to go downtown (yay!) but I still have a fine of $25.  Which is better than $47, but not the justice I was hoping for.  

I'm glad it was reduced, at least, I guess, but I really wanted JUSTICE for the stupidity.  I mean, come on.  Anyone else (and everyone else parked there, who were there before me) would park the same way I did.  Is this a trap?  Is it done like that just to get an easy $47 from people looking for a parking spot in the city?  I hope they fix the signage and/or lines and curb here, but my hopes are not that high.  All I know is I'll probably keep parking here, but next time I'll be the jerk parked at an angle over several lines just to prove a point.  (Uh oh, first contesting a small ticket, and now parking like a jackass?  My need for justice is out of control...).

Okay, back to Happy New Years-ing!  I'm glad to be entering the new year without a stupid ticket hanging over me anymore!

2014 is ending...

Well.  It's been a year.  2014 has kicked me and brought me down, but there were still some bright spots.  I went back and read my "resolutions" of sorts from the beginning of the year, and one thing I wanted was change.  Welp, sure got that!  My parents bought a new house and sold my childhood home, and immediately after the paperwork was signed on the new house my mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  My mom's health deteriorated, and after lots of hope and not knowing what to expect, she died, which I still can't quite comprehend.  My dog lost her eyesight and moved in with us.  My brother-in-law proposed to his girlfriend and they are now married.  We celebrated 1 year of marriage.  We did some yard work, and I made some crafts.  My cousin had a baby.  We took some short trips, but mostly stayed close to home.  

Unfortunately, I didn't do lots of things I wanted! 

1. I did not find a new job, but I was quite a bit preoccupied and unable to dedicate some time to it.  I did got on tons of interviews, but never got any follow up.  
2. We didn't actually go on the hot air balloon ride, but I have a calendar reminder to book it first thing this summer!
3. We didn't get to visit my brother in South Korea, because he was only there for 3 months.  I am so thankful he was able to get home before my mom passed away, so he could spend a tiny bit of time, including her last hours, with her.
4. I still spent money, and we haven't had our electrical work done yet.  However, thanks to generous family members and Christmas gifts, we now have pretty much all we need, half of which came from gifts!  So that should be happening soon.
5. I'm not sure about spontaneity.  I ended up making some spontaneous trips to the hospital that I didn't expect, and attended a memorial service I didn't think would happen for a long time.  In general, I feel like I tried to just burrow myself in at home after all the change in my life, and kind of not be spontaneous.  Just hold on to what I have and who I have and try not to rock the boat any more.

I don't feel like a failure, even though it appears I didn't do a single thing I wanted.  I was in self-preservation mode most of the year, and I don't know that I'm ready to start branching out yet.

It has been a challenging year for the most part, and I am so ready to say goodbye to it.  

The paper anniversary!

A year has passed since our amazing wedding!  I can't believe it's been a whole year, and can't believe it's only been a year.  We're no longer newlyweds (does that mean I have to get rid of the underwear that says "Just Married" on the bum?).

A lot has happened this year.  My mom, obviously, was the biggest thing.  Her quick decline and death has put a bit of a sadness over the whole year.  It was kind of hard to celebrate, but we did because we are both lucky to have each other and he's been my rock this year.  We've made it through some difficult times, and I don't know if I could have without him by my side.

At the Snoqualmie Falls!  Personal Photo

We took the weekend away to relax and chill and just be together, and it was really nice.  At dinner one night (fancy dinner, oh la la!), he asked me what my best memories from the year were (purposefully avoided the worst ones, since that is pretty obvious), but I think just spending any time with my mom was the best.  Sorry husband, but it was the last bit of time I got with her, and time I will always cherish (especially right after she got the bad diagnosis and I walked into her hospital room and we cried and she apologized and I told her how thankful I was for her.  Or when she told me she's crazy about me just about a week before she became non-responsive.)  She was the first person to love me completely and unconditionally, and to teach me what love is.  So I nearly started crying in the restaurant thinking about her!

Crazy dog, hard to tell, but she's playing dead here...  Personal Photo

Among the highlights of this last year would probably going to Kauai (especially zip lining there), getting a hot stone massage on our honeymoon in the Dominican Republic, taking in the dog who drives us both crazy but is cute and sweet, and having our home and life and routine together.  I think this next year will have a lot of exciting highlights as well, as we start considering starting a family, travelling some more, and look to do some more work on our house.  It's exciting to have our futures ahead of us, just waiting to unravel as time passes.  Everything can and probably will change completely just like it did this year.

As far as paper gifts, I created a graphic print for him that I need to get a frame for (and need him to pick his favorite).  I did a couple versions with different colored backgrounds, and then did some watercolored pages that I printed a shorter version on as well.  I think they look pretty cool!

I kind of think I should have had it start with "We Go Together Like..." Personal Photo

He said that his gifts to me were delayed in the mail, so now I'm obsessively checking the mail every day after work!  I hope he didn't go overboard, considering I definitely didn't.  

Anyway, that's the one year check-in!  Ready to take on the rest of our lives with my favorite guy by my side.  :)

Life goes on... somehow.

This is just the weirdest time in my life.  It keeps hitting me that my mom is gone, she's dead, she won't be coming back, I won't be able to talk to her, to hear her advice or stories, to get a hug, or anything.  But then I forget or something, and continue one living.  Then it hits again.  I feel like I'm not sad enough, not remembering her enough, not grieving enough, because I am able to continue on with life.

I've now seen a dead body, written an obituary, created a memorial service program, attended a memorial service, and lost a close family member.  It's amazing how life has changed, but also not changed much.

The holidays are really going to be tough.  And her birthday.  I don't want to plan anything with anyone else on that day, but am not sure what I do want to do to mark it.  Lots of people are planning stuff for that day because it is a weekend day, but I just can't agree to any of it.

At the memorial service, someone said "You weren't supposed to be without her yet" and that is 100% how I feel.  I'm still not ready to continue living without her.  My neighbors are both grandmas now, and I see their granddaughters running around and think about how my mom never got that, how my kids will never know their grandma.

But I don't think I'm really dwelling all that much.  I laugh, I have fun, I waste time, I work, I do everything I used to do except talk to and spend time with my mom.  I'm still hoping she haunts me somehow!

I am going to go through her closet and take some of her clothes and stuff.  I already took her nail polish, and have her favorite shade on my toes.  My dad seems to want to get rid of her stuff really soon, and it hasn't even been a month.  He found a bunch of gift cards she was holding on to, and it just feels weird to take them, even though I know she would probably want me to use them and she can't anymore, so...  I'm kind of hesitating actually going up and going through her stuff, because it will feel even more real then.

Also, I have the absolute BEST friends and family and support in the whole world.  Everyone is so eager to help out in any way, I've gotten a beautiful rose bush, a blueberry bush, flowers from 3 people, and a really nice statue, all in my mom's memory.  And it sounds like some friends are going to be the most amazing people and help us get our yard back in order, since I haven't had much time to dedicate to that this year.  I really need to write some thank you notes, people have been so kind and I hope they know how much I appreciate them.

Anyway, in the life continuing portion of my life, our dog has been having some health issues.  Bloody stool, vomited once, lethargy...  I took her to the vet yesterday morning, and she got some shots and pills, and seems to be feeling better, but still isn't back to healthy.  Poor thing.  Stuff keeps happening, and I can't hide from the world, I guess.

And we're closing in on our first anniversary, which is crazy and wonderful, and we have a little weekend getaway planned.  I feel a little bad, because my future sister-in-law's bridal showers are planned for our anniversary day and my mom's birthday, and I don't feel like I can make either, and her bachelorette is scheduled for the same weekend as my 10 year high school reunion.  So I think I have to miss all of her events!  But I'll send along gifts, since I already have some for her.  The rest of the summer is already looking pretty busy, and I think we have like 1 afternoon available for the gardening effort, but that might be a good thing.  Get back into living and being busy, just keep her in mind still.

Anyway, I'm rambling.  It's nice to get these feelings out, I'm happy to have something to look back on.  This is a crazy, important, emotional time, and I know it'll dull with time.

Well.

She's gone.  She died the morning of June 23rd.  I still can't believe she isn't here anymore.  I won't get another hug, hear her tell me she loves me, talk to her about stupid things and important things, watch her pad around the house, enjoy a glass of wine on the deck with her, or any of the millions of other things I took for granted for so long.

It's been hard.  But I'm glad she's not suffering anymore.  The last few days were really tough, she was basically starving to death, and then her lungs started filling with fluid.  Hearing the gargling breathing was awful.  My brother stayed up all night with her on her last night, and that had to have been the worst.  It was bad enough before, when she could still talk and eat and everything, but by that time she was not really responsive, and struggling for every breath.  So when she finally died and let herself go, it was a bit of relief, but still so so hard.

I miss her immensely.  I decided to try to write down all of my memories of her, which is insane, but I'm up to 8 pages, single spaced, size 11 font now.  And there are so many more I keep thinking of.  And I am planning to get a tattoo, one with her handwriting and maybe a treble clef or rose.

It's crazy to think that the world is still revolving, stuff is still happening, and I'm still alive.  I feel like I can't stop thinking about her or crying that she's gone or else it'll be too real and like I've moved on.  It's only been a week and a couple days!  I really wish I had talked to her more about this, about what she wanted afterwards, but we were all still so hopeful for a miracle.  We didn't even find out if she wanted her ashes scattered or in an urn with us, and we didn't make sure we knew which songs she wanted for the memorial service, and I'm so mad!  Why didn't I take more advantage of the little time I had with her?

I also think a part of me kind of knew this was coming, and I started working through grief way back when her brain tumor was discovered.  I feel like I'm jumping around the stages of grief, feeling them all at once, and all out of order.  I'll be just thinking about something and suddenly it hits me that she's gone, and I can tell my face just gets this concerned look.  I think I have been crying a lot less than the first few days, but it still creeps up on me and catches me by surprise.

She was an incredible person.  I've never met anyone who didn't like her.  She was respected and trusted and genuinely appreciated, even when she was a little out there and crazy!  She was influential and admired in her field, and passionate about music and church.  She knew how to have fun, and loved her kids fiercely.  I think she enjoyed life, enjoyed living, and it is such a shame that she can't be here anymore to continue that.  But she truly leaves an amazing legacy, and I will be talking about her for the rest of my life.  I just wish I could talk to her again.

So that's what's happened.  Her life was much too short, but at least it was a pretty great one.  We're kind of just banding together to get through this tough time, and just spending time together is nice.  I am really lucky to have had her as my mother, and as my role model.

To Everything There is a Season

Do you know what hospice care is?  I didn't until a little over a month ago.  I figured it was hospital care at home or something relating to care for the elderly.  But that's not exactly it.

Hospice is care that aims to help make a patient comfortable during their last days, basically.  It's the care of someone who is no longer undergoing treatment, and isn't likely to get better.  It can be in the home or at a facility.  It seems like it's mostly comprised of making sure they have the equipment to make their care easier, the help of a nurse and maybe an aid a few times a week to ensure they are getting the right pain meds, getting bathed, getting nutrition, and basically being cared for and staying as comfortable as possible.

I explain this because my mom is now in hospice.  She is no longer receiving the chemo treatments because they were starting to do harm.  There's not much else they can do.  The chemo gave her terrible mouth sores and I believe was starting to damage her brain, so despite how much it was helping in the fight against the cancer cells, they can't give it to her anymore.  It's strange, though, because she had very low counts of cancer cells in her spine last they checked, so I feel like maybe the cancer has been beat, but probably not?  I still don't totally understand I guess.

Wow, does anyone else feel like it got depressing here?  Is there a grieving genre of blogs?  Because I sorta feel like that's what this has become.

I am conflicted about this change to hospice.  On one hand, it feels a little like giving up.  There's NOTHING else they can do?  There are no other treatments?  But on the other hand, I am so so glad my dad will have more help.  Strangely, until she officially entered hospice, the insurance wouldn't cover any assistance in the home, but now that it's official, they pay for everything, hospital bed, nurse visits, even the chaplain!  Plus I feel like she'll be more comfortable in general.  It was getting very difficult for her to get up to even use the bathroom, let alone shower, so getting some equipment and physical help will be good.  And having someone else there so my dad's not at the brunt of her impatience all the time will be better for everyone.

I'm not really sure what is next.  Who knows if she'll be around days, weeks, months?  It has felt like so much uncertainty the last few months, and it doesn't look like it'll end anytime soon.  It's really hard to see my mom, a strong, independent, brilliant woman, fade away into a shell of herself.  I get glimpses of her, but most of the time when I'm with her, she hardly seems like the same person.  I've been grieving for her in some way since the doctor told her to get her affairs in order, though.

I've always been a fan of the verses Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 (which is the same as the song "Turn! Turn! Turn!" by The Byrds basically), but right now it feels very applicable.  

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, a time to reap that which is planted;A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

It's rough.

You know how things are so bad sometimes you can't imagine they could get worse?  And then they inevitably do get worse?

My mom is hanging in there.  My baby brother is home, which is nice, but sadly it didn't fix everything like I kind of thought it would.  But my mom was in lots of pain, and spent most of her time in bed, but now she doesn't really move, has awful mouth sores as a result of the treatment, and isn't eating or drinking hardly anything.  It's hard to tell if her pain is still there, at least the previous back pain, because now her mouth hurts so much.  But at the same time, the last sample they took from her spine showed verrrrry low counts of cancer cells, so...?  It's like on one hand it's hard not to be hopeful at least a little, but on the other, it's so so scary to have any hope because what if it doesn't work out alright?

My dad is having a tough time.  He's not the most, uh... patient person.  Just in general.  And right now, my mom has zero patience her self.  So she snaps at him easily, and he gets offended and snaps back, and it's so unproductive.  It's painful to hear.  He literally slammed the door to her room the other day.  But he is taking care of her, making sure she's comfortable, trying to get her to eat ANYTHING, and coordinating all her appointments, medicine, and contacting the doctor.  My brother is kind of there more for my dad I think, just to kind of help him stay a little sane, get out of the house once in awhile.

And then there's me.  I spent a week at their house before my brother got home, but still went to work during the week, so it wasn't like I was there full time.  I get to escape, and then feel guilty for not being there.  But I am still trying to go up nearly every day after work.  Two weeks ago, though, I had awful allergies, and I think I sneezed so hard/much I strained my neck!  Then a few days later, it started to feel better, and then I twisted my head funny, and like, pulled a shoulder muscle!  It's still painful, and it's making me very nervous, but I am scared to go to the doctor because I'll a) cry, and b) not be able to explain it very well (though I know I should, if not because then I'll at least know what to do to help heal).  So I'm in pain most of the time physically and emotionally.  Great stuff.

This truly is the hardest time of my life.  I am incredibly lucky to have an amazing, understanding husband who is 100% there for me and my family.  I feel like we're all in limbo, waiting to see what happens, doing our best to keep her going, and trying to be there for each other.

And today is Friday the 13th, with a full moon tonight!  Spooky, but I think it means things are going to change, one way or another.

Gosh, I'm such a Debbie Downer!  In my mom's presence, I'm totally positive, upbeat, kind, patient, and understanding, though.  I think.  I try really hard to make sure she knows how much she's loved.  I think my nature is to laugh and smile, so feeling guilty for any happiness I may feel is super hard for me.

I DIM (Did it myself): Photos onto Wood Edition

Awhile ago, I saw this really nifty pin showing how to transfer a photo onto wood.  I thought there was no way it could possibly work, so I had to give it a try.

This is the photo that made the rounds.  Photo via pinterest, and I can't find the original source again...  It was a video, I think.

This is a link to a how-to I used in addition to the one above.  Photo via digital-photography-school.com

For this project, I printed two photos off at work (shhh...), one in black and white and one in color.  I wasn't sure if the color would work, so I wanted to try.  The copier at work is a laser printer, which is vital; ink jet printed pictures won't work.  And they were printed on regular old copy paper.

The black and white photo.  Personal photo of a personal photo.

And the color photo (I chose a reddish photo, with lots of orange and warm colors.  This turned out to be a good thing).  Personal photo of a personal photo.

Then I aquired a piece of wood (a board that was about 8.5 inches wide, and long enough for at least both photos to fit.  I went to the craft store and got the Gel Medium that is called for, as well as mod podge to seal, a new foam brush to apply stuff, annnnd...  I think that was it!  Not too much stuff needed.

After getting my supplies, the first step was to apply the gel medium to the board.

Gel medium, board.  Personal photo.

I applied a layer not too thick but enough to cover pretty well, and as even as possible.  Once it was covered with gel medium, I carefully laid the photos face down onto the board, and smoothed out the surface as much as possible.  No bubbles!

I fit both pictures onto the same board.  The intention was to cut them apart later, so I picked the best looking spots.  Personal Photo

A closer shot.  The photo slightly overlapped the edges of the board, but that was totally fine.  Personal photo.

Then I let them dry overnight.

The next step was a little scary - unearthing the pictures!  I got the paper wet, and then used my fingers to rub off the paper.  Don't rub too hard, or the picture might come off!  And if you don't rub hard enough, the paper won't come off.  So be careful!

Carefully rubbing off the paper from the color photo...  Personal Photo

Getting the first layer off the black and white photo!  Personal Photo

After a lot of rubbing, the pictures are uncovered!

Both pictures!  Personal Photo

Black and white!  Looks pretty rustic.  Personal Photo

I must have rubbed too hard on the edges, but kind of like the effect!  Personal Photo

IT WORKED!  I added a thick layer of mod podge to seal it, and now just have to cut them apart to hang on the wall!

As you can see, both the black and white and color photos turned out pretty well!  I lucked out by picking a color photo that matched well with the yellow-ish color of the wood.  If I had blues or other cooler colors, it would have probably looked a little weird on top of the wood color.  But the sunset fit the look perfectly!  I also had a couple issues with rubbing off the photo, one of the worst spots was Dino's face in the black and white picture.  I think that coloring it in with light pencil might help, but I just left it and decided it looked just fine and rustic.

Overall, it wasn't too expensive of a project, the gel medium was the most expensive part at about $10.  But now I have tons, and can do this project over and over!

Have you tried this project?  Who has some sort of table saw I can borrow to cut the pictures apart?

I Just Don't Even Know.

It's really weird realizing your parents won't actually live forever.  It's weird seeing them vulnerable and sad and scared and in pain.  It's weird to know things are going to change completely sometime soon, but not knowing when that will be or how you'll react.  It's weird to grieve the life you've known when while it is still somewhat the same.

Mostly it's weird to think of the future and what will be missing.  Christmases.  Birthdays.  Mother's Day. All holidays.  Babies.  Big life changes.  Small moments when you just need your momma.

She's still holding on, but in a lot of pain and on a lot of drugs.  She's scared, as am I and my dad.  It doesn't look good, but they're continuing treatment in hope of a miracle.  It still doesn't feel like real life.

My mom is so amazing, such a great person, and really taught me so much about life.  She's touched so many people's lives, and made the world a better place just by being her.  The world will feel different if she's not in it.

I don't know what to do.  I'm trying to spend as much time with her as I can, but also take care of myself and my dad during this.  I was at the hospital for about 11 hours yesterday.  My dad is there now, and I'm going down this afternoon.  I feel so much guilt and sadness and fear and everything.  My brother is in South Korea, lost his passport, and may not be able to make it back soon enough.  I can't imagine what he's feeling, being so far away.  Seeing her always helps me, so the fact that he hasn't even skyped with her (due to her refusal to) must be really hard for him.

I know other people have lost parents, I'm not totally alone, but it sometimes feels a little like it.  And when someone says to let them know if there is anything they can do to help, I have no idea what might help.  Cancer cure?  Miracle?

Cancer is the worst.  We thought she beat it.  Thought she made it through the toughest time.  But it was still there, lurking.  Waiting to make another appearance.  Waiting to turn my wonderful, self-sufficient, independent and stong momma into a bald patient, stuck in a tiny room, reliant on pain meds to make it through the day.

Everyone, please hug your mom as tight as you can this Mother's Day (and every day).  Tell her how special she is, how much she means to you, and how thankful you are for her.  It's never too early or often to tell her you love her.  You never know how many more opportunities you might get.

Blog Everyday in April #30

Today's the last day!  Today I get to tell you 3 random facts about me.

1. I can touch my nose with my tongue.  I think the only thing this proves is that my tongue is abnormally long or something.  
2. I'm not sure I believe in having favorites.  When I was little my favorite animal changed all the time.  Seals, dogs, wombats, whales, and all kinds of other animals held the position of "favorite" at one time or another.  And my favorite color changed a lot too.  Purple, pink, blue, green, even yellow and orange.  Instead of favorites, I think I just find certain things more interesting and compelling at one time or another.  It's more flexible than being tied to a single "FAVORITE."
3. Seeing "The Sound of Music" as a child inspired me to learn the notes forward and backward.  I would practice.  Do re mi fa so la ti do, do ti la so fa mi re do.  It's second nature now!  I also tried to learn the alphabet backwards fluidly, but haven't quite mastered it yet.  I may or may not still hope to be able to spit out a backwards alphabet as easily as reciting it a-z...

Anyone have any tricks for a backwards alphabet?  Do you have favorites?  And can you reach your tongue to your nose?

Blog Everyday in April #29

Today the prompt is to write a letter to your readers

Dear hypothetical readers,
Who are you?  Do you exist?

Anyway, I'm writing today to say thanks and I'm sorry for the infrequent content!  I'm trying to be more consistent, and to add more photos to make it more exciting.

What would you like to see more of?  I will also try not to ramble quite as much.

I am not fully committed to this whole blog thing.  It makes me a little uncomfortable to think about strangers reading about my thoughts and life.  But I love reading about others' lives, so I'm just throwing my voice out into the void of the internet as well.

I'm hoping as my life changes, this space will too.  Once I have kids and all that jazz, it will be nice to direct people I know to the blog space to see updates, rather than spamming them on social media.  But I hope that doesn't cause you to desert me (whoever you are)!

Please keep in touch, and leave me a comment now and again.

Love,
Cara

Blog Everyday in April #28

Today I'm looking waaaay back...  Share a favorite childhood memory.

Do most people have a bank of childhood memories they just draw upon at will?  I feel like I remember things that are related to what is currently going on, and it's tough to think of something on the spot like this.

One random memory I have is when I was about 8 or so, I put on a winter jacket and found like, $5 in the pocket!  It was a winter day, but for some reason the ice cream man was driving through the neighborhood.  I used my $5 to buy some ice cream, ate it outside, and stuffed the wrapper down the storm drain so my parents wouldn't know!  Totally weird, and I am pretty confident it actually happened, though it seems pretty unlikely.

I also have lots of wonderful memories of going to Disneyland with my family.  One trip we ran into our neighbors who lived behind us, and we went on Splash Mountain together.  Another time my brother and I tried to ride Pirates of the Caribbean as many times as possible; I think we rode it about 15 times.  And we also were there right after the Indiana Jones ride opened, and the line stretched all the way out of Adventureland and into Main Street.  It was crazy!

I don't really have any long and complicated memories, apparently!  What are some of your favorite childhood memories?  Do you want some ice cream and to go to Disneyland as much as I do now?

Blog Everyday in April #27

As an avid blog reader... this is pretty easy!  What are your favorite 5 blogs, other than mine of course, that you follow?

1. Weddingbee.  Yes, I've been married for over 8 months.  And yes, I still read a LOT of wedding blogs.  Weddingbee is one of my favorites, just because you can see so many different peoples' weddings from start to finish.
2. Emmaline Bride.  Another wedding blog I can't quit!  This one focuses on handmade items, and has lots of really cool ideas.  And the giveaways are awesome!  
3. Young House Love.  Now that we own a house and are always finding new projects to work on, it's really cool to read about how another couple has been improving and upgrading their house(s).  It's inspiring!
4. Pioneer Woman.  I just love Ree.  Her writing is funny, she talks about all kinds of subjects, and her recipes are always so amazing looking.  Dino will try anything if it's from one of her recipes!
5. Cliff Mass Weather Blog.  Cliff Mass is a local meteorology professor, and has so much interesting insight into the weather.  It's fascinating to see why certain weather predictions are made.  He also compares the current weather patterns to past years, and provides his own predictions.  Love it!

This is just a tiny fraction of the blogs I read...  What other blogs should I be reading?  

Blog Everyday in April #26

Tell us things you've learned about life that school didn't teach you.

Ah yes, learning in the real world.  I am really good at school.  Always was, got good grades, did my homework...  Funnily, that doesn't necessarily translate to being good at life.  That was the first thing I learned.  There isn't a syllabus, no instructions or guidelines to follow, no way to ace life.

I have also learned that growing up doesn't mean you change who you are.  I'm older than I ever thought about being when I was younger, but don't feel like I'm old.  It's hard for me to remember that other people are the same way too!  I still treat people older than me like they have it all figured out, like they have all the answers just because they are older, when that likely isn't the case.

Another thing is that you care so much more about yourself and what you are doing than anyone else in the world.  I care about how I appear and come across WAY more than even Dino cares about me.  I find myself constantly wondering what other people think of me, which is crazy self-centered and almost 100% exactly what other people are thinking (as in, wondering what other people think about them).  It's hard to ignore that sometimes, but I want to try to concern myself with doing good things or nice things for others, rather than trying to appear like a good or nice person.

Finally, health is so fickle and so important.  My mom has shown me that.  I knew it was important to eat right and exercise, but it really isn't up to you sometimes.  No matter what you do, sometimes your body betrays you.

What has the real world taught you that school didn't?

Another hurdle

Just when it feels like life can start getting back to normal, another curveball hits.  My mom finished her radiation treatments on Wednesday!  It was great!  Except...  she started having this awful pain on Tuesday, pain that kept her up and was making it so it hurt to sit.  We visited last night, and she was just not feeling okay.  It was really quite scary.  Thankfully my dad took her in to the hospital, and they did an MRI on her spine (which was scheduled for Monday, but she wasn't going to last through the weekend with that pain).   We're waiting for the results, but it sounds like it could be a tumor on her spine.

WHY?  How is this at all fair??  My mom is a wonderful person, but she is getting so beat down by all of this.  The pain, the frustration, the lack of control she has on the situation.  She doesn't want to have to be strong anymore, and I don't want her to have to be!  I want her to be happy and healthy, not fighting this never ending battle.

And I am so so scared.  I don't want to lose her.  I hate seeing her like this, knowing that she's going through such a terribly tough time.  It's not okay.  I thought the breast cancer was enough.  And then the tumor in her brain was even harder to handle.  And now this?  I just don't know what to do.  There isn't much I can do to help.  I just want her to be better.

This situation sucks.  It's awful.  I am so mad that this keeps happening.  She doesn't deserve this, and my dad, brother and I (and Dino) are all doing our best to hold it together and do what we can, but it's hard.  And I'm at work, trying not to lose it, but it's hard to keep on pretending like nothing's wrong, when the world is starting to unravel again.

This sucks.

Blog Everyday in April #25

Getting gifts is my love language (not really).  Giving gifts, well, I'm terrible at giving gifts.  Today's question is better for me: What is one of the best presents you’ve ever received?

Honestly, the best gift ever was from Christmas 2012.  My then-fiance bought me the coolest gift ever, something I hadn't actually asked for, but something he listened and remembered (which is half of why it is so cool!)...  He gave me a Hot Air Balloon Ride!!!  Okay, so we didn't go then, and we actually still haven't gone, but it was the best gift ever.  My parents decorated my room as a child with hot air balloons, and I think they are so pretty and cool, but have never been on a ride.  So the fact that he remembered me mentioning it, and then went ahead to try to make that happen, well...  it was the best.  Plus I'm still looking forward to the ride, especially since we were so busy last summer with the wedding stuff that we couldn't find a time to go, so now I still have something to look forward to!  I will be taking SO many pictures too.

That's going to be us, in that little basket!  Photo via GoMighty.com

What great gifts have you received?  I probably could also have talked about my engagement ring, or my Emily C necklace from my friends, or even the alcohol and chocolates from a friend the other day after hearing about my mom.  Pretty lucky!

Blog Everyday in April #24

Um... Share your blog with us and let us know why you started blogging.

Well, here it is!  I started blogging to kind of distract myself while thinking about weddings and getting married, but not actually being engaged.  Then I had a goal of becoming a Weddingbee blogger, since I'd been reading that site for years and wanted to contribute.  That didn't work out, and now I'm blogging because it is fun, interesting, and I keep seeing other blogs hiring that want to see your past blogging experience, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to try to keep it up.

Not thrilling, but hey!  I'm learning as I go, and trying to improve my writing style.  I need to work on editing (related to my post on worst traits, along with non-perseverance I've never been good at revising work.  I used to snap at my poor mom if she tried to help me with school work, and almost always thought my first draft was perfectly fine...  And now I still do that!), and want to work on incorporating more pictures, but mostly I'm just enjoying writing more often.

Share your blog with me!  I'd love to read more blogs!

Blog Everyday in April #23

I'm not sure I like the negative slant, but here we go! What are your top three worst traits?

1. I have a terrible habit of picking on things.  Most notably, the skin on my face.  I can't restrain myself!  But I also pick on labels, my nail polish, and basically anything possible.  It's awful, and I've tried to stop, but can't seem to leave things alone!
2. Procrastination is another bad habit.  I tend to put off things until the last possible second, even stupid things like filing.  Stuff I know would take only a couple minutes.  I need to work on becoming better at this.  I will say that I am good at hitting deadlines and working quickly and efficiently, so it isn't always a huge problem, but still needs to change.
3. I've never been good at perseverance.  I give up sometimes, fairly quickly.  When I used to play the saxophone in school, I hardly ever practiced!  I have this weird mindset where if it doesn't come easily to me, it's not worth it.  Totally not true, and I have gotten slightly better about it, but still find myself gravitating towards things I know I can do or letting things go that I fail at.  

Can you relate?  I need to think of some positive things now so I'm not too down on myself!